


A Pause of Thought

by PandaSkeleton



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Beforus, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Humanstuck, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Regret, Sadstuck, Schizophrenia, Seizures, Voice in head, cry - Freeform, puking, sad sex, self hate, sob, will add more as it goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 06:48:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/923243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandaSkeleton/pseuds/PandaSkeleton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As if it were bad enough that Karkat was dating his best friend's father. It got worse when the man was having mental issues that he was trying to help him handle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Voices

_You looked at your hands; the blood was clearly not ever going to be unseen, even when washed away. He had fucked up, and nothing you do will ever change that. **‘Not unless you revive them.’** That was something, but they’d never forgive what you’d done. **‘What’s to forgive, are you really wanting that?’** No, you weren’t looking for forgiveness, and they’d never forgive you for what you’d done. **‘How do you know, Meulin forgave you after you deafened her.’** You shake your head, it wasn’t your fault. **‘Lies, it was your fault. You caused her so MUCH misery. She can never hear a voice again. Just will have memories of all the wonderful sounds around and it is ALL YOUR FAULT!!’** You fall to your knees; light shakes envelop your body as you let out silent sobs. You had never meant for that or any of this to happen. **‘You are the cruelest of all people.’** You nod for a second before almost jumping at the sound of the door opening._

“Kurloz, are you in here?” You look up at the young Vantas; he frowns at the look of you and comes over. “Gog, were you having your weird thoughts again.” He helps you up off the ground and leads you to your bed where you lay down and snuggle into the covers. “I told you over and over that they are not real and will never be real.”

“Meulin…” he shook his head at you and sits down on the edge of the bed, grabbing your hands. You look into his dark brown eyes, that almost seemed red when in the sunlight, and you could tell he was disappointed in you.

“There is no one by the name of Meulin; she’s a figment of your imagination Kurloz. For fuck’s sake you have a 16 year old son that you forget the name of at times, and think that he’s your partner in some dark carnival bull shit. I swear you have to stop listening to the ICP assholes, it’s going to be the death of you” He lets go of your hands and leans down to kiss your forehead. “Please tell me you at least remember our relationship”

“You…you’re my lover, my young….young lover Karkat” He smiles and nods “I’m sorry, I’ll try to get better.” He shuffles a bit as he lies down next to you and curls up. You look at him for a bit before wrapping your arms around you _. ‘The boy died by your hands before’_ You shake your head trying to push the thought away causing Karkat to look up at you with the saddest and most worried of looks you’ve ever lay eyes on.

“Are you hearing the voices again?” You shake your head and offer a smile that he dismisses quickly “You’re lying; you need to start taking your medicine. I swear they’ll help” You softly sigh. “Kurloz I’m seri-“. You both hear the slam of the front door “Shit it’s probably Gamzee” He gets up and you watch as he leaves.

“Gamzee…” he thought over the name trying to recall who it was again. _‘He’s the boy, or rather troll that you run errands for. He’s a little shit that had ate so much slime from the recuperacoons that he lost his mind’_ Kurloz closed his eyes trying to think of what he was being told _‘You know, you’re descendant. STOP BEING STUPID’_ he shook “Shut the motherfuck up, I know that” He muttered to the voice _‘You don’t know shit motherfucker, you forgot it all!’_ Kurloz ground his teeth a bit. “I didn’t forget nothing, the damn pills just kee-“ _‘THE DAMN PILLS AREN’T DOING SHIT. YOU FUCKING FORGOT!!’_ Kurloz held his head since the outburst had taken a bit of damage on him. “No I didn’t, I’m remembering better…it’s just that Karkat is trying to make me forget it all” He sighed and looked over at the bottle of blue and red pills. “I’m supposed to take 2 every morning, but I’ve been hiding them” He closed his eyes and turned onto his back. _‘Hiding them, hah, my ass you are! Gamzee has them. You give one to that motherfucker without his knowing. He also takes a few while you are lightly napping.’_ Kurloz bit his lap at the unforgivable truth. “Yeah…” He mumbled and let out an irritated sigh. “I need to sleep” he tried getting comfortable as best he could. _‘The boy is going to find out you know’_ Kurloz shook his head. “No…No he won’t…” He yawned as he finally fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Gamzee looked at Karkat as he came into the living room, he guessed that the other was visiting his old man or some shit like that. A smile traced onto his lips as Karkat came over and he set his backpack down and wrapped his arms around him. Karkat let out a light sob, barely audible and he gripped onto Gamzee’s jacket, who just continued to hold him close.

“Shh bro, it’s cool. It’s all ok motherfucker” He smiled and pulled away a bit and wiped the tears from Karkat’s eyes and wiped his cheeks a bit. “Now tell me Karbro, what’s got you all down in the dumps” Karkat let out a soft sigh and then leaned forward and rested his head against Gamzee’s chest, He knew Gamzee didn’t know about his and his father’s relationship, but lately it’s been harder to keep the secret with Kurloz being sick and loosing himself from reality.

“Your dad was mentioning some things again” Gamzee led Karkat to the couch and they sat down together with Karkat lying in Gamzee’s arms. “I’m trying my best to get him to take his medicine…but I think he’s trying to lose all himself from the world…and it’s becoming so…so stressful” He sighed and Gamzee played with his hair a little as Karkat buried his face in his chest.

“Shit bro; don’t get all worried about it. Old dad will all ok, I’m mother fucking sure of it” Karkat nodded and wrapped his arms around Gamzee and let out a soft sigh. “Chill alright, also I’m going to be at Tav’s tonight so I gotta go tell dad” Karkat nodded against Gamzee’s chest on got off of him so he could get up.

“I’m going to make dinner since I’m staying the night here, I need to make sure he takes his pills this time” Gamzee nodded and left the room and headed towards his father’s room. When he went in he noticed that his father had conked out. He chuckled lightly and went over to the bed and picked up the bottle of his medication and took out 2 and slipped them into his pocket. “See you tomorrow old man, start taking your damn pills before I eat them all…and cus you’re worrying my best friend” Gamzee looked at his dad for a bit longer before leaving the room. “Well Karbro I’m going to get my things packed and head out, see you tomorrow afternoon!” he called out to the other before going into his room to get some things.

 

* * *

 

 

Kurloz woke up to Karkat coming into the room a few hours later, he was carrying a tray and Karkat smiled since Kurloz was awake now. He came over and Kurloz sat up in bed and Karkat sat the tray down on his lap and grabbed his medicine and took out 2 capsules and he looked toward Kurloz with that sad look that could make a puppy cry.

“Please Kurloz, if you love me and if you care. Please take your medication. It can be night thing. You can take it with dinner, just please take it” Kurloz looked at Karkat’s palm where the pills were and then to his face and sighed in defeat and put his hand out and Karkat smiled and gave him the pills. “Thank you” Kurloz nodded and quickly swallowed them whole without a drink.

“No problem, now sit with me. I love company” Karkat nodded and sat down at the end of the bed in front of Kurloz “Also thank you for being here for me” Karkat looked down with a bashful smile, he wasn’t so used to gratitude since before this incident Kurloz was a way different man. “And thank you for the food” He started eating and Karkat would occasionally look up at him and then back down. _‘This tastes weird doesn’t it? Haven’t had food in your mouth since before you sewn your lips shut’_ Kurloz raised a brow; he had food just this morning didn’t he. _‘Obviously not, you’ve had stitches in your mouth and you bit off your tongue. You shouldn’t be tasting a single fucking thing’_ Kurloz stopped eating and just stared at his food, Karkat noticed and got up a bit to move forward.

“Are you alright Kurloz” he looked at Karkat. “Don’t listen to the voices!” Karkat put a hand on his cheek. “They are wrong and you know it” he looked into Kurloz’s sullen eyes and leaned forward pressing his lips to the older man’s for a second before pulling back. “I love you…and I hate seeing you like this” Kurloz nodded and put a hand over Karkat’s.

“I love you to and I’m fine, I am” Karkat nodded and Kurloz put the tray on the side table to let Karkat come forward as they returned to the kiss. Karkat missed this side of Kurloz and was glad to have back for a little bit. _‘You’re cheating on Meulin’_ Kurloz closed his eyes and pulled Karkat closer hearing him moan lightly. _‘She’d be disappointed in you.‘_ He separated from the kiss as he pulled Karkat’s shirt up and over his head. He tossed the Garment to the ground and leaned his mouth down to Karkat’s neck where he put his mouth over the sensitive flesh receiving a light moan from his young lover.

“Kurloz…” Karkat was looking towards the roof as he leaned his head back, giving more access to his neck. Kurloz took it and sucked and nipped at some spots, straying a bit long at certain areas before going more down. Karkat ended up moving away so he could lie down and Kurloz had gotten out from underneath his blanket and continued to kiss and nip along Karkat’s abdomen as he leaned in between his legs. Karkat darted his eyes down to Kurloz as he undid his pants. He leaned his head back after a while and lifted his legs up as Kurloz removed his jeans and tossed them down with his shirt.

“Gog, I could just eat you right up” he chuckled darkly as leaned back up to Karkat’s face and pressing lips to the other’s. _‘Hah, eat him up. I’m sure you’d do something like that you fucking psycho.’_ Kurloz pulled away from the kiss and looked into Karkat’s brown lust filled eyes. “Will it be alright with you?” Karkat nodded and let out a light sigh and smiled. _‘You’re really going to do this, wow, you are fucking disgusting. HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THIS TO HER. SHE LOVED YOU! AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You’re a fool. A MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT and this is why she left you. WHY SHE IS NEVER COMING BACK. Because you hurt her and you’re doing shit like this’_ Kurloz leaned forward as he pulled his boxers down and he took the edges of Karkat’s afterward and yanked them off of him causing him to gasp a little and blush a bright red. _‘You shouldn’t do this; you’re going to hurt him. You did it before, actually you killed him before. What’s to say you won’t do it again?’_ Kurloz traveled down Karkat’s body, leaving light kisses to his paled flesh.

“Oh fuck…” Karkat moaned as Kurloz had taken hold of his dick and wrapped his mouth around the tip and didn’t give much time for teasing before taking him fully in. Karkat had his hand over his mouth as he suppressed his moans while Kurloz deep throated him. He would have high pitched moans when Kurloz hollowed his cheeks as he pulled up and let out loud ones as he would occasionally stop  to swirl his tongue around the head for a second before taking him in again.

Kurloz pulled his mouth away after a while, causing Karkat to let out a disappointed noise.  He smiled up at his young lover and leaned back to open up the bedside drawer. He pulled out a small container of lube and chuckled lightly at Karkat’s blush. He then proceeded to coat his fingers with slick gel, all the while as Karkat watched. _‘You do realize your bulge is quite large and can probably rip someone in half?’_ Kurloz rolled his eyes and leaned over Karkat who made a questioning face at him and he just shook his head in reply. _‘You know lube won’t help, bulges have their own lubricant. Are you stupid?’_ Kurloz let out a light sigh as he placed his finger down towards Karkat’s opening, rubbing around the sensitive flesh before pushing in. Karkat shivered beneath him and let out soft gasp. _‘So you’re going to just ignore me now. How pathetic can you get?’_ Kurloz simply closed his eyes as crooked his finger inside of the tight walls. He smiled at the moan Karkat let out and repeated the motion. He let Karkat relax a bit before pushing a second finger, and watched his expression of discomfort until his features showed that he was relaxing. Kurloz spread his fingers and crooked them every few seconds as he worked to make him a bit looser.

“Gog, I can’t remember thaa-aaah shit” Karkat hissed out a moan. “Oh fuck….ok…” he was panting a little as he was worked, and bit down on his lip as he felt Kurloz pull out his fingers. “Only 2?” Kurloz nodded and leaned back to open up the drawer again, this time he retrieved a condom. Karkat hid his disappointment and smiled, he was just glad that Kurloz was being intimate again.

“You look so thoughtful” Kurloz chuckled as he looked at Karkat who turned a little red as he looked away “it’s cute” he proceeded to open the square packet and retrieve the rubber. He noticed that Karkat was watching him as he rolled it on. “Interested?” he leaned down to plant a kiss on the tip of Karkat’s nose which caused him to let out a squeak of light surprise and he covered his face with his hands. “You are too cute sometimes”

“Sh-shut up!”  Kurloz pulled Karkat’s legs up onto his hips more and spread them so he could position himself right. He was looking at Karkat’s face as he started to push in, watching as his mouth opened up to gasp. Karkat then let out a small moan as he felt Kurloz continued to push in until he suddenly stopped since he knew the other couldn’t take him fully. He stayed still, until finally leaning down to catch Karkat’s mouth.  Karkat moaned into his mouth as Kurloz started to move, he’d missed this for so long and with Kurloz’s issues and his sickness he never could bring himself to have sex with the other. He felt it was better to wait instead.

Kurloz pulled back as he started to thrust up inside of Karkat, he watched the many expressions the young man made and hummed at the sounds he was letting out.  He tried to remember the last time he’d felt this way but couldn’t find the memory. _‘You’d forgotten everything, EVERYTHING FROM BEFORUS. Shame on you for forgetting’_ Kurloz growled and continued to bang his young lover into the mattress and had noticed the look of pleasure from Karkat when he heard him growl. He then slowed his pace a bit to lean back down to Karkat’s neck to nip and suck at the sensitive flesh causing the other to grip at the bed sheets as shudders ran through his body and he let out louder moans.

“ohh Ku-kurloz…fuck ahh-ahhh!” he moaned as he gripped at Kurloz’s shoulders and came. Kurloz continued to thrust into Karkat and when he felt his own release building up he started going faster. He felt Karkat’s shaking and pushed in deep as he came inside of him, Karkat moaned out in surprise and light pleasure.  Kurloz had rode out his orgasm and then lay down lightly against Karkat as they both panted. Karkat sighed lightly and turned his head to press his lips to Kurloz’s temple. “I..I love you…I love you so much” He whispered and Kurloz looked at him and smiled before leaning up and pulling out so he could lay down next to Karkat and pull him close.

“I love you too Karkat” He mumbled as he buried his face into his hair and shut his eyes. “I’ll always love you” Karkat smiled and closed his eyes as well and put his arms over Kurloz’s. _‘Committing a crime such as cheating, how shameful are you Kurloz?’_ He ground his teeth but ignored the voice and continued to hold Karkat as he felt him fall asleep. “I won’t let my insanity come between…Not again” He whispered as he decided to get some sleep as well.

 

* * *

 

_A piercing sound immersed through the void, a scream fell through afterwards. Minutes passed before opening your eyes and looking around, you looked down toward your love and she is passed out. You noticed the blood and immediately panic and try to wake her. Her eyes flutter open as you yell to her; she seems confused not knowing what you were saying. She tells you to speak louder, but you are speaking as loud as you can. Fear crosses over her face and the two of you leave to get help._

_As you both stand before your friend and explain what had happened. You start to understand the situation more, you had let out a noise so powerful and yet so awful that it had crossed paths with you beloved. You had deafened her and it was permanent._

_She had locked herself away for a few days as you went about doing what you thought was equal and right.  You now stood before a mirror after threading a large needle, and whisper her name one more time before you get to work. You prayed silently to the messiahs afterwards and then turn quickly when you felt a hand on your shoulder.  You turn and see that she had come to see you and watch as she gasps and steps back, she looks down and then you pull into your arms to reassure her that it is ok._

_As time passed from then you found yourself lying on you quest bed. You were completely alone and starving, so starving that you had started to eat something in your mouth that you’d never even realized you were devouring. Blood was pouring from your mouth as you sharp continued to grind down on the muscle and tearing it open and chewing it like it was bubble gum. The blood was pouring more and most was now rushing down your throat and a large chunk of the muscle went down with it and stays in the middle of your esophagus. You start to choke and tear at the stitches a little but not break them since you had made your vow to keep the silence. You hold your throat squeezing it to help get the piece down or up and you throw up a bit toward the side beside your head but only purple sticky liquid had ran through the stitches as you continue throw up. You feel pain inside your chest and you start heave more until you are facing the slab rock on your knees, you fall forward into your own muck and everything goes dark as your heart lets out its last few beats._

**_“Welcome to the real world MOTHERFUCKER!!!”_ **

 

* * *

 

 

Kurloz sits up quickly in bed gasping and rushes out almost tripping as he ran across his room to the bathroom. He then kneels over the toilet and empties what was in his stomach until only the bitter taste of bile was left. He lets out a soft sigh and slumps back against the sink. _‘Nightmares? Interesting, I wonder if they mean something’_ He growled at the sarcasm in the tone of the voice and turned his head as Karkat was at the doorway in one of Kurloz’s shirts.

“Are you…ok?” He glanced at the toilet and sighed lightly as he kneeled down next to Kurloz and wrapped his arms around his shoulder.  “Get a bath ok, I’ll go make breakfast…” he mumbled before pulling back and putting a hand on his cheek. “I love you ok, the nightmares will go away and everything…everything is going to be ok…” tears welled at the edges  of his eyes but Kurloz could tell he was willing himself not to cry “now I’m going to go make breakfast, get clean” he got up after kissing his cheek and left Kurloz alone.

Kurloz flushed the toilet and washed out his mouth before getting into the shower. He turned it onto hot and had his head down as the water washed over his body. ‘ _You know ignoring me isn’t going to make me go away. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE. Always and he’s going to eventually realize this and just leave you cus you are psychopa-‘_

“SHUT.UP.’ He growled out as he punched the wall. “Karkat isn’t going anywhere and if anyone is going to leave it is going to be you. I won’t have you taunting me anymore” He clenched his fist together as he started washing his hair. _‘Oh really? I’m going to leave? That’s pretty funny of you to say. Since you have no clue of who I even am.’_ Kurloz looked sighed and realized it was true. He had no clue as to who was voice and why they were constantly talking to him.

 

* * *

 

 

Karkat hummed to himself as he flipped a pancake onto a plate and started on another one. ‘ ** _Kurloz was acting weird…Wish those voices would just go the hell away and leave him alone.’_**  He sighed sadly. ‘ ** _I wish I could do more to help him, but I can’t think of anything else I could do…’_** He reached over to a pot that was on another burner and gabbed the two packets that was on the counter and tore them open and poured the contents into the boiling water and stirred them while the pancake cooked. **_‘I hope that eventually we can have a normal life together, even though our relationship is far from normal…just it could be better...’_** He stirred the grits until they were done and removed the pot from the stove and put it onto the counter and turned down the dial as he placed a pan down and cracked a few eggs into it thinking more about what he should do or what is going on when a thought came to him.

“Wait…what if…what if it’s my fault…”

 

_TBC~_


	2. What a Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been awhile since I updated this haha, anyways I have no beta. So if there is any mess up.s ~u~ that's why.

Karkat had shook his head at the thought and finished with breakfast and started to set the table. Though he still had stress and worry laced into his features. As if it were a permanent disease when the thought went through his mind again. **_‘It’ll be ok…yeah all ok and hey maybe if I’m lucky he WILL actually join me for breakfast…’_** Karkat wiped away few stray tears that started to fall down his cheek and then filled up to mugs with coffee. One was black with a little bit of sugar added and the other was sweetened to the max with half a shot of tequila joining it.

“Mmm, it smells wonderful in here” Karkat had just put the tequila away and jumped when he heard the voice. He looked over at his large lover who was crowding the doorway from the living room, and had only a towel to cover himself. “Oh, woops did not mean to spook you” he smirked and Karkat rolled his eyes.

“It’s ok” Karkat went to turn back to finishing with setting the table when he felt the large arms envelop him. He has gasped lightly when he was turned around and pulled against the man’s chest.

“You don’t have to worry yourself to death.” he whispered into Karkat’s hair. “I may not be in the best state of mind, you and I both know this, but causing pain and stress on your own self isn’t going to help either.” 

Karkat held his breath for a moment and let out a soft sigh. There had been a lump forming in his throat that he forced down so as to keep from breaking.

“I know…I really DO know, but seeing you like this” He paused when his voice started to crack and was trying hard not to break down in his lover’s arms. “I just…I can’t stand it, I really don’t want to lost you…” he mumbled the last bit as tears started to fall down his cheeks.

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise” Kurloz pressed his face down into the messy auburn locks and kissed the top of his head reassuringly as the teen had started to shake and silently cry in his arms. _‘Nice you’ve gone and made him cry. Feel like an asshole? Yeah, I’m sure you do’_ Kurloz repressed the urge to growl and yell at the voice.

Karkat buried his face against Kurloz’s chest and held onto him as he shook harder with every escaped sob, as if he were afraid the man would disappear. Though, he didn’t make much of a sound as he gripped onto the older Makara.

 _‘You know this isn’t AS similar, but at the same time this reminds me of when you first met him. He was crying a little then to. What do you think?’_ Kurloz stopped himself from shaking his head and sighed lightly in the mass of Karkat’s hair. _‘During that first meeting he’d mistaken you for his ex morail and was on the verge of crying before you stopped him.’_

* * *

 

 

_“GAMZEE!” you turn at the sound of the familiar name, you had been staring off into the water for what felt like the hundredth time, before almost falling backwards into said water when some slammed into you in a vice grip of a hug around your thin waist. “GOG YOU ASSHOLE, I FUCKING MISSED YOU” that someone, you had noticed, turned out to be much shorter than you and had similar nubby horns to a sworn celibate, talkative asshole. “How could you say such a thing…Like last time I saw you, you know…” he started mumbling and was looking down a bit. “When you said you didn’t want to be morails...” your brows knit together at what he said and you frown. “I was supposed to be your best bro gam, we were supposed to have eachother’s back…and you had gone crazy, so I REALLY had to help!” His voice starts to rise again. “DAMN IT GAMZEE! YOU COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING HORRIBLE, IF YOU HADN’T ALREADY” The short troll starts pounding on chest and you flinch back with each hit. “DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU HUR-“_

_You finally take hold of his assaulting fists and pull them over his head until he finally looks up at you. His eyes widen in shock and realization at this point and you feel a slight pain in your chest at the sadness and disappointment that crosses over his face._

_“You’re not…shit…you’re not Gamzee…” He yanks his hands away from your grip on them. “I-I’m sorry…Your horns looks like someone else’s…” He turns to rush away but you grab his wrist and keep him there. “LET GO!” He pulls as much as possible but you keep a firm grip on him as he continues to look away._

_You’re completely quiet as the young troll struggles to get away from you with everything he got, but when all comes to not he just gives up. He sighs and looks back at you with his lines of bright pinkish red staining his flushed cheeks before he wipes them away with the back of his sleeve._

_“What do you want?” You decide to let go since he’s given up, and he immediately crosses his arm as if he were ready for an interrogation._

_You start to rush through hand signs and gifs as to let him know you worried about him and to not be upset over your descendent._

_“…” He looks completely lost as you finish. “I have no clue what the fuck you just did there. Or what kind of mumbo jumbo shit you were trying to say.”_

_You notice a bit of amusement in his voice as he speaks and you smile a bit, glad that he’s not as sad as he was before._

_“Alright well, let’s go with something simpler, hmm?” You nod once. “What’s your name, and don’t do what you just did. I won’t know what the fuck your saying. Try something that a troll like myself can fucking decipher in some fucking easy ass fuck way.”_

_You mull this over for a moment with thinking through all the forms of communication you know. You can’t use sign language, since he said he doesn’t understand what you’re doing. You could go with chucklevoodoos, but having him actually remember the whole stimulation and process and whatever else goes with it...Well you’d rather not deal with him having horrible nightmares, headaches and lots of puking all over the place. So that won’t do. So the last, and less painful, option to go with. Using your phone._

_You pull out you cell phone, and Karkat is looking at the purple casing of it, making a face at the clown symbol on the back that you and your descendent use. He traces over the lines through the mouth of the clown face and then glances up at you._

_“Did you…Did you really sew your mouth shut” You pause with your typing and nod and go back to writing what it is you wanted to tell him. Though it only took a few more things to write and you’re done, so you hand over your phone to him._

**_‘My name is Kurloz Makara. I guess you figured that I’m the dancestor of Gamzee by now. So I’m going to take the stupidly wild guess you came from his session, though I already knew but whatever on that. Also what I was doing before with my hands, that’s called Sign language. Those who are deaf or mute, like myself and Meulin, use this as a form of communication. I prefer it for myself, but since you have no clue what I’m saying then it’s useless to use around you. By the way, is the most annoying and obnoxious preacher Kankri Vantas, YOUR dancestor?’_ ** _He frowns when he finally finishes and hands the phone back to you._

_“Unfortionatel yes, that asshole shares the same damn DNA with me” You silently chuckle at the comment, which is just your body shaking as your eyes are closed. “So…sign language. That’s weird.” You shrug. “Have you actually met Gamzee or do you just KNOW him?” You frown and start typing again._

**_‘Yes I’ve met him, and I’d rather not discuss my descendent. He causes my bones to quiver and shake with the way he is and I’d rather not have that happen with just talking about him’_ **

_“I know what you mean. Though, you never really had to deal with being his morail. Did you?”_

**_‘Yeah, but he still treats me like I’m shit in the carpet. Even though he doesn’t realize that if I were more like my post-scratch self then he’d be dead with his blood spread like a beautiful painting on the wall. His body would either be raped and mutilated or simply destroyed in some other form’_ ** _Karkat made a disgusted face at that._

_“…Let’s get off that topic now.” You nod and wait patiently to type if needed, “You said you were mute, does that mean you’ve never talked before?”_

**_‘No, I have. I actually used to talk all the time…but something came up. So I vowed for silence, and here I am. Mute’_ **

_“Ok wow...Uh, do you remember what you even sound like?” They sat down on the lilipad and get comfortable since this was probably going be a long conversation and it’s pointless to stand around._

**_‘Well, I don’t entirely remember how it FELT to talk, BUT I do know the sound of my voice. That is…I know how sounds through the videos on my phone’_ **

_“OH, OK…” Karkat looked down at his fingers as you type on your phone._

**_‘Would you like to see one of the videos, to HEAR how I sounded?’_ ** _You smile as you get your phone back._

_“You don’t have to show me” you ignore the comment and go to the media section of your phone and pull up a video of you and Mituna before your session started, which was before everything went to shit and both you and Mituna went through horrible incidents._

**_“Kur, get over here and record thith will you!” Someone yells, with a bit of a lisp lacing over their voice. The image jumbles a bit and all you can see Is the top of Kurloz’s purple boots running across the sand, along with a bit of hit skeleton tights. The jumbling stops and the Phone is pointed at another trolls back “Dude look at it!” the troll turns around, his curly hair is covering his face and all you can see is the biggest grin possible._ **

**_In the troll’s hands is a small grub with a bright shade of pink on its thorax and abdomen. It’s staring at the phone with big pink eyes and looks both shocked and ready to cry._ **

**_“wow, I’ve never seen a grub with such a blood color” The voice behind the phone is a deep monotone sound. The troll pulls the grub to his chest and smiles as the Phone is still pointed at him. “Do you think it’s a mutant blood?”_ **

**_“No other pothibility” He smiled and turned the frightened grub to himself. “Ith ok little fella, we’re not going to cull you” The grub let out a loud screeching noise and the troll almost drops it._ **

**_“Damn Mituna, you scared it.” There was a chuckle from behind the phone as it was adjusted. “The little thing cute, I hope it gets an amazing lusus”_ **

**_“Yeah, but little thing needth to lay off the noithe” There was another chuckle behind the phone. “Though I don’t know if it will get one…Conthidering ith all the way out here” There’s worry that coat’s the troll’s voice as he looks down at the, now calmed, grub._ **

**_“Well if it can’t get a lusus, then I’ll take it in, Goat dad won’t mind. He often tells me that I need to be much more responsible and take actions into my own hands after all” There’s pride and amusement in the voice from behind the phone and the troll that was holding the grub looks up and smiles._ **

**_“Well if you don’t get culled for that, then go for it” The phone is taken by the troll and he trades over the grub to the troll that had the phone. The camera of the phone is now pointed at the other troll, which turns out to be Kurloz. He smiles as he holds the grub in his arms. “Kurloz, the Troll Luthuth”_ **

**_“Oh shut it Mituna” The phone is jumbled a bit as it focuses on you rubbing the grub cheek and it making a purring noise. “The horns are really cool.” One of the grub’s horns are pointed straight up, while the other one is point and split like a snake lusus’s tongue._ **

**_“Yeah, ith pretty neat. Altho, what’re you going to do if I don’t thut up?” There’s amusement in Mituna’s voice as he taunts you._ **

**_“Eh, probably nothing. Though you should shut off the phone so we can get inside”_ **

**_“Kay”_ **

_The video stops and you look up at Karkat whose face is bright pinkish red with a few tear stains on his cheeks._

_“Wow…you had a very amazing voice Kurloz” His cheeks grow a bit darker with blood, pretty much causing the tear marks to vanish. “I bet you’re even better looking without the damn clown makeup” He adds as an afterthought and then covers his face. “Shit ignore that. IGNORE THAT!” You silently chuckle as you hand him your phone, which you were typing on while he spoke._

**_‘So I’m not handsome right now?’_ ** _You smirk as he hands you back you phone looking down._

_“You look fine now…you really do. You’re handsome!” He looks up at you and you smile as continues to blush brightly._

**_‘Too Cute ;o)’_ ** _His eyes get wide, and you frown as he looks like someone just culled his lusus._

_“I-I need to go” He turns and gets up to leave but is stopped when a pain rings through him and he’s gripping the sides of his head._

**_ “STOP!” _ ** _He turns and looks at you with wide eyes that are now glowing purple._

_“I…”_

**_ “Shh, this is going to hurt when I let you out of it, but I’ll erase your memory of it so you DON’T remember the pain” _ ** _He nods and you take ahold of his hand and will the memories of it away while releasing him from the trance of your Chucklevoodoos._

_“…?” Karkat blinks a few times before yanking his hand away with a disgusted face. “Yo-you Freak…” A mix of hurt and paint cross over his face before you are left alone again._

 

* * *

 

“….Kurloz…hey” Kurloz looked around for a moment and then down to Karkat. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to break down like that” Kurloz shook his head and rubbed Karkat’s cheeks as looked over the Red puffiness around his eyes now.

“It’s fine, you can cry all you want around me.” Karkat smiled and nodded. “I love you, but I’m pretty sure our breakfast is getting cold” He leaned down and kissed Karkat before pulling away and going over to the table and sitting down. Karkat joined him soon after.

The first thing Kurloz did when he sat down was take a sip of his coffee. He smiled over the rim at Karkat who was drinking from his own mug and hummed lightly at the taste.

“As sweet as ever. Almost as sweet as you” Karkat blushed and rolled his eyes at the cheesy comment as he tasted the bitter mix of his coffee.

“Yup just as you like it” He smiled sweetly and they ate in silence after that. **_‘Exactly how you like it…’_**

* * *

 

Karkat lay in between Kurloz’s legs while they huddled together on the couch watching some shitty movie. He’s a bit drunk, but Kurloz has yet to notice the state of mind he is in since he’s too busy watching whatever the fuck is playing.

_“I know what you are….” The female actress on the screen says as she faces away from the pale teenage male actor._

_“Then say it” The male comes up behind her._

“Ugh, he’s obviously a stupid asshole Bella, just go after the hunky tan guy” Karkat mutters as he leans into Kurloz.

“Why would she do that, the pale boy isn’t THAT bad, maybe stupidly annoying in that emotional teenage way. The tan guy obviously is just looking to get laid” Kurloz runs his fingers down Karkat’s sides as he speaks.

“Aren’t all teenagers like that?” Karkat looked up to Kurloz who smirks down at him.

“Most the time, though teenagers, like yourself, are simply out for a little adventure with older people like myself” Karkat rolls his eyes and leans up to press his lips against the ‘older man’

“Yeah, but that’s because you are SUPPOSED to be more mature” He chuckles and looks back to the tv. “And going after older guys isn’t always good; you can obviously tell that Edward has some serious fucking mental issues. Jacob….Jacob is just a hot sweaty beast.” Kurloz rolled his eyes.

“So you prefer the tanner and younger guys?” Karkat shrugged and continued to watch the movie as Kurloz traced shapes into his back. “Maybe I should tan then”

“No, don’t!” Karkat sat up and looked down at his older lover. “I like you the way you are.” He smiles and then jumps when the door slams open and Gamzee walks by, looking at them and then heading to his room. “….”

“Go to him, he seems to have had a bad time” Karkat nodded and ran off to his best friend’s room.

“Hey Gam…” He knocks before going in find the older teenager “You ok?” His face was flushed since he friend just saw him sitting on his dad, but he knew they were friends and that Karkat took care of him. Hopefully he still believes that, since he did not want to tell him that he was banging the older Makara.

“Not entirely bro” He sighed and looked at Karkat. “Tav wants to end our relationship that we got going on. Says I’m too controlling and immature….” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand “Do you think I am Kar?”

Karkat shook his head and sat down next to Gamzee on his bed and pulled the older teen into his arms and rubbed his back.

“It’s ok Gam, Tav has his troubles and you have yours. There are other people out there anyways” He smiled as Gamzee hugged him back.

“Would you ever go out with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :o) enjoy next update is whenever I can get to it Since tests are coming up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3, finally. Omfg it took so long, but here it is. ^u^

_‘Would you ever go out with me?’_

 

Just the fathom of the words made Karkat shudder in guilt. He couldn’t even think of himself with Gamzee, and the fact that goes on more makes it even worse. It made him feel like the biggest jerk around, and he didn’t want to hurt his best friend. Though, he couldn’t say yes. What if Gamzee actually asked him out for real instead of just theoretically? What the hell would he do then? But he didn’t want to say no, because then Gamzee would get upset and think he isn’t worth Karkat’s time.

 

“I uh…Ok, Gam. That is a heavy loaded question” Karkat looked down. “It’s not that I WOULDN’T go out with you, No that’s not it…Like fuck, you’re amazing and shit and hell I’d be lucky to be with you.” Gamzee was smiling lightly at Karkat, but he knew what his friend meant. “I just…fuck Gamzee. I’d rather keep our friendship than some like fucking dating shit. You know what I mean?”

 

“Yeah, I know bro. It’s cool. Its fine, I’m good. Haha, didn’t expect you to like flip out and shit on me. Like wow, but no it’s fine ok.”  Gamzee was smiling lightly and Karkat stood up.

 

“I’m glad you understand Gam, anyways I got to go check on your dad and make sure he’s ok” Gamzee nodded and Karkat turned away to head to the door. “Take care alright, listen to music or whatever you like to do”

 

“Yeah I plan to, go make sure my dad didn’t die or whatever.” Karkat left the room and Gamzee just looked down at his hands before grabbing his ipod and headphones and slipping them over his ears. “I just wish you would tell the truth Kar bro….” He mumbled, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as loud music blasted into his ears and blocked out the sound of the world.

 

 

 

 

Karkat headed down the hall and went into Kurloz’s room after not finding him in the living room. The man was drawing in one of his old art notebooks, and sitting down against the wall on his bed. He was humming lightly to tune of ‘Paint It Black’ as he sketched.

 

“Kurly?” Karkat spoke softly as he approached the man.

 

“Hmm?” Kurloz looked up from the pad of paper and Karkat smiled and came over. “How is he doing?”

 

“He’s fine” Karkat lied and sat down on the bed, trying not to jostle Kurloz too much. The man nodded and looked back and continued on with his drawing. “What are you working on?”

 

“My dream...” He muttered. “I was thinking about if I died”

 

“No”

 

“Shhh, I’m doing alright. I just mean that.” He sighed softly. “If I died, no one would have understood what I truly felt and seen. I know I’m not the same man anymore, hell I’m not even the same person” He chuckled. “I look at my own son and think. ‘Who the hell are you?’…Yet I’ve known the child since he was born, and even looking at you.”

 

“Kurloz…” Karkat mumbled.

 

“No, I want you to listen.” Kurloz continued to draw as he spoke. “I hear one voice, and only one. I don’t know when this started or how. I just know that there is a voice that tells me how wrong I am at life. That who I am ISN’T who I think I am. That I am someone else”

 

“Who do they say you are…”

 

“Kurloz Makara, a troll from a planet named Beforus.” He sighed softly. “That there was a young girl named Meulin who I had been with before. That I caused her to go deaf…and then my best friend had an accident happen and had a mental break down. He had went from a very intelligent and fun loving asshole, then regressed to the mind of a child with Tourette syndrome. After me and some other friends went and defeated an evil king, one of them had made a bomb go off and killed all of us. We then lived inside a place called ‘Dream Bubbles’ until meeting the group you were from. Your group was our dancestors. My son was MY dancestor. He and I were planning some bad things and were going to kill off everyone for our mirthful messiah Lord English.”

 

“What the hell Kurloz” Karkat frowned at him and the man just shrugged.

 

“This was my other life Karkat, or whatever the voice says. I don’t really know if it happened or not” Karkat nodded, but didn’t like what he was being told. It made him uncomfortable.

 

“What else happened?”

 

“I’m not entirely sure…I just know that at some point I had killed the person that was you. That your blood was on my hands that a lot of people’s were” Kurloz looked up to Karkat and reached forward, he gently cupped Karkat’s cheek and smiled softly at him. “I’m sorry, but could you turn your head just the slightest” Karkat did so and Kurloz pulled his hand away and continued to draw. “Anyways, I killed a lot of people and shit happen. May have not happen in reality or not, in my mind it was a thing.”

 

“Yeah…I understand” Karkat looked at the drawing Kurloz was doing; it was a detailed picture of himself with horns and pointed teeth. “Do you love me?”

 

“Yes”

 

“Did you love me when you were a troll?” Kurloz looked up again at Karkat who was smiling shyly.

 

“I…Well I’m not sure, I think I cared for you deeply. I worried for your safety in ways. Though in that life, I was in love with a female troll. I told you that. Though, I’m sure if I had gotten to know you…I would have fallen for you” The man smiled and Karkat felt his heart ache with happiness. This was the reason why he couldn’t be with Gamzee, he was way too in love with his father.

 

“Can I see it after you’re done?” Kurloz nodded and continued to sketch.

 

 

Kurloz had been drawing for hours and had even gotten up to grab his large pack of coloring pencils. Karkat went from sitting up watching him, to lying down next to his lap napping softly. Kurloz didn’t mind, he loved looking over at Karkat’s sleeping form, and even started drawing that as well but instead as a troll him.

 

“Dad?” Gamzee cracked open the door and looked at his father who was had just started packing away his art equipment. Kurloz looked up at Gamzee, he looked as if he’d been crying. When Gamzee noticed his dad was actually awake, he came into the room and closed the door softly behind him.

 

“Yes son?” Gamzee sighed softly as he noticed that Karkat was sleeping next to his father, with his hand gripping the soft material of his pjs.

 

“Is Karkat alright, or at least going to be alright?” Kurloz raised his eyebrow. “He seems a bit off and it worries me.”

 

“He’s fine as far as I know, just tired I guess…Are you alright?” Gamzee shrugged and came over and sat down at the bottom of the bed, this was the first time the two had actually seemed to see eye to eye.

 

“I guess I’m ok”

 

“You guess? What is there to guess about being ok or not. This is something you should know Gamzee” Kurloz frowned and gently put his art supplies at the side of the bed. “You can tell me what’s bothering you, if it’s actually anything or you just feeling like shit”

 

“It’s nothing normal dad, and you wouldn’t understand if you tried” Gamzee frowned at his father. Kurloz shook and his head and smiled a little, it was a rare sight to most. Especially Gamzee.

 

“I’m not normal, and you expect me not to understand. My life is pretty fucked up kid. You could tell me you’ve been fucking a three headed donkey and I honestly would not be shocked at the realization of how odd my son is.” Gamzee chuckled softly, not wanting to wake up Karkat.

 

“I’m pretty sure you’d be shocked dad, or at the very least, bothered by what is bothering me” Kurloz shrugged. “It’s…god dad you’re a shit.” Gamzee frowned. “It’s about Karkat”

 

“Alright?”

 

“I…ok don’t get upset” Gamzee looked down. “I know that you guys are together dad”

 

“I didn’t think you WOULDN’T know. The kid is so caring, and he doesn’t even hide it” Gamzee knew that if his dad wasn’t schizophrenic, he would have said something completely different. Though, the man has lost it and isn’t himself anymore.

 

“There’s more dad” Gamzee frowned more at his father.

 

“I’m sure there is”

 

“I…I love him dad, I do.” Gamzee looked down, tears burning at his eyes. “I hate it, cus I know he loves you and will never love me”

 

“You think that boy, but I believe you’re wrong” Kurloz smiled and rubbed his son’s back. He felt bad that he’d been causing his son such sorrow, along with his lover. The two shouldn’t have to feel this way. _‘You’re lying if you actually care’_ “No.”

 

“What?” Gamzee looked up, having rubbed at his face while his messy hair had been covering it.

 

“Uh, nothing son” _‘such a fucking liar, and you can’t help but cause this little shit such pain’ **‘You only ever fuck up things, and you can’t stop that. It’s in your nature and always will be. Remember Meulin? Yeah, remember her and remember all that you’ve done. YOU FUCKING BASTARD’**_ **‘You say sorry, and feel bad, but you don’t mean it’** Kurloz was holding his head, Gamzee looked at his father with worry. “Stop…stop please…” Kurloz muttered, his head pounding with the added voices. **_‘Stop, oh we’re just starting Makara’_** _‘Bring alive what’s causing you pain. BRING ALIVE WHAT’S CAUSING YOU PAIN. SUFFER’_ **‘And suffer as though you’ve never suffered before.’**

“Dad, are you alright?” Gamzee reached for his father, but got his hand pushed away as Kurloz got out of bed. He was gripping his head, his thoughts were bring him out of reality. He was gasping and trying to get a grip towards something physical and was stumbling towards the door. “Dad, what..Dad please” Gamze had gotten up, rustling Karkat from his sleep as he did so.

 

Karkat rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he heard the distressed sound of Gamzee’s voice as he looked up and saw Karkat holding his father’s shoulders and trying to shake him from whatever was taking his reality away.

 

“Kurloz..Gamzee…KURLOZ” Karkat got out of bed when he noticed the man pushed Gamzee a little and leaving the room. He was still cupping his head, and Karkat looked at Gamzee. He made sure his friend was ok, before the two followed after Gamzee’s father. “Kur, are you ok. What’s wrong?” Karkat bit his lip as he tried to get the attention of the man.

 

“No..please stop…please stop….ple-“ Kurloz fell to the growned, his body started shaking and started seizuring up. Karkat and Gamzee both reacted faster and Gamzee used his sleeve as a bind in his mouth so he didn’t bite his tongue off. Karkat had ran to the phone and called 911.

 

 _“Hel-“_ A woman on the other end started.

 

“Ma’am ma’am, please help. My friend’s father is having a seizure. We ne-need an ambulance. Please hurry….I’m scared, please. Send help. Hurry! Fucking hurry please.” Karkat was trying to keep his voice as even as possible, but was fighting off sobs as he spoke to the woman.

 

 _“Alright calm down, make sure to see that he is stable, I’m dispatching an ambulance to your location right darling. It’s going to be ok”_ Karkat nodded as if the woman could see him.

 

“O-ok…” Karkat gripped the phone and looked over at Gamzee and his father, Gamzee had tears rolling down his cheeks and was trying to keep his father safe as his body shook for a couple moments before finally stopping. “He’s stopped shaking…what do we do until the ambulance comes…?”

 

 _“If he isn’t on his side, push him onto his side gently. Make sure to check he is breathing properly. He might puke, but that’s normal sweety”_ Karkat nodded and told Gamzee what to do, and Gamzee did so. Kurloz was breathing fairly normally, but was out.

 

“He…He seems to be fine now…but I still think he needs to go to the hospital.” Karkat hung up after a little and went over to Kurloz and Gamzee. “I..I hope he’s ok”

 

“He will be” Gamzee’s voice was rather calm, despite the tears that were still falling from his eyes. Karkat gently put an arm around his friend.

 

“You ok?” Karkat looked at Gamzee who shrugged. “Gam?”

 

“It’s fi-“ The both heard the ambulance and Karkat pulled away from Gamzee and headed to the door. A couple men came inside with a stretcher and lifted Kurloz onto it, Gamzee looked at Karkat before following after. “I’m going with them since I’m his son…Call your dad to pick you up and I’ll give you updates on his situation Kar” Gamzee forced a soft smile, and had gripped Karkat’s shoulder in comfort. “He’ll be ok”

 

“Alright…and I hope so” Karkat watched as Kurloz was loaded into the back of the Ambulance, and as Gamzee went in after. The doors were closed and when everything and everyone was loaded they left.

 

There was short calmness after the ambulance had gone, but it was broken as Karkat fell to his knees and started crying. He had heard everything that Gamzee and Kurloz were discussing. He felt at fault when seeing the man he loved break, and even more at fault as seeing his best friend’s heart crumble. He wasn’t sure what the hell he could do other than cry.

 

And that’s what he had done, he cried for a short while, before calming a bit and calling his brother to pick him up. He told him what had happened to Kurloz, but didn’t say no more and just locked up that house and waited. He wasn’t sure if he could walk over to his own house without turning back and laying down on Kurloz’s bed and crying more. So this was his best choice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you cry? Tell me if you did and tell me what you think. I wanna see the reviews coming in like candy on halloween. Halloween passed though? So what,   
> ^u^ Also tell me about any screw ups I had or if I should add anything to any of the future chapters.


	4. Made A Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee has stayed with his dad in the hospital and contacts Karkat at a late time to come get him. More may ensue than intended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, been a month. Gave you TWO chapters of Royaltystuck and drabbles before getting this out @n@ Sorry but not sorry. I hope you enjoy <3

It had literally been two weeks without a word from anyone; Karkat had started working on his school work since he’d failing a little to do so. He actually managed to catch up with all his missing work with the help of his brother. Though, it’d been rough with how much he’d been worrying about Gamzee and his father, but on Sunday he’d finally gotten a text from his friend.

 

It was actually what woke him up, he’d been sleeping at his desk when the loud buzzing and soft tone of ‘Little Lion Man’ started to fill the silent room. He slapped at the phone for a few moments before unlocking it and staring at the bright screen, only to sit up moments after in a panic.

 

_‘He wasn’t looking too great for a while bro, like woah…I was pretty worried for the old man there. Now he’s in a coma, doctors said he might be ok, but when he wakes up and recovers they’ll be sending him to a mental institute…Kar bro…I’m scared…I’m actually scared, and had been crying earlier from how scared I was. I dunno what to do bro, and I think if I type normally you might answer me fully and like come get me…please…I need you..._

_I need you’_

Karkat’s heart ached at the text and he sent his reply in a quick manner. He didn’t feel like capsing it, if Gamzee was going to be serious. Then he will to.

 

**_‘Alright, I’m going to wake up my brother and we’ll come get you. I’ll be there asap, please wait out front. I’m coming, and it’s going to be ok.’_ **

****

_‘Thank you :o(‘_

**_‘Don’t sad face Gam, it’s going to be alright. I just talked with Kankri, he’s getting dressed now and we’ll be there soon’_ **

****

_‘Ok, :’o(‘_

**_‘Gamzee!’_ **

****

_‘:o) Ok ok, I’ll be serious now. Just still feeling like shit, like bro. What am I going to do? I have nowhere to go and dear old dad is going to be locked away.’_

**_‘Yeah…if you want, you can come stay with me and my family. We’re here for you. Also I’ll be there in 20’_ **

****

_‘Alright cool. Just…Keep talking to me, I can’t stand the silence’_

**_‘Yeah, I get you on that’_ **

****

_‘I’m sorry for not saying anything though, I’ve been just sleeping at the hospital in dad’s room. They had an extra bed, and the nurses said that I need to go home and get better sleep, so I gave my dad’s nurse and doctor my number and also yours so they can contact us…I had also told them about dad’s situation…It’s why they want to put him away’_

**_‘Oh..’_ **

****

_‘I’m so sorry Kar…’_

**_‘No, he needs help. It’s understandable’_ **

****

Karkat sighed softly and looked at his brother who was calmly humming to the music he’d put on. His brother had stopped and glanced at Karkat when they were at a red light and frowned.

 

“Are you going to be alright Karkat?” His brother knew a little of his situation but not all of it, and wasn’t going to ask questions in case it would bother him.

 

“I don’t know, I’m worried about Gamzee and his dad…” Karkat looked at the texts.

 

_‘Karkat…I’m sorry’_

“Well, whatever happens, happens for a reason Karkat, you can’t stop it. I know it’s hard to accept, but you will just have to suck it up and deal with it.” Kankri frowned and turned down the music. “I hope you understand that and don’t get upset, I do want what’s best for you. But I can’t always be there when you need me, you were lucky I was at home. Even luckier you didn’t wake up Cronus.”

 

“Sorry…”

 

“Don’t say sorry when you aren’t, it’s disrespectful and I honestly could care less right now. Cronus can sleep or wake up, doesn’t matter. You just need to understand that next time I might not be home.” Karkat nodded. “I have to be strict with you, I hope you understand”

 

“I do…”

 

**_‘It’s ok, and why are you saying sorry?’_ **

****

_‘Cus I told them :o/’_

**_‘It’s ok, I don’t care Gam. As long as you’re alright, and he’s going to be ok. Then you shouldn’t be sorry’_ **

****

_‘Ok..’_

Kankri parked and Karkat got out as he noticed Gamzee outside of the hospital with his phone illuminating his face. Gamzee looked up when he heard the footsteps and stood as Karkat rammed into him and wrapped his arms around the tall boy.

 

“Fuck Gam, are you ok?” Karkat wiped the tears from Gamzee’s face and hugged him. “It’s ok, it’s ok. Shh, don’t cry” Gamzee laid his head on Karkat’s shoulder and held onto him for dear life.

 

“I…fu..fuck…” Gamzee was gripping onto the back of Karkat’s shirt and was sobbing.

 

“Gamzee shh, it’s ok” Kankri had stayed in the car and was watching the scene, he hoped his brother and friend were going to be alright. He worried for them, and didn’t like seeing his little brother hurting.

 

I know..I know Kar…Bu- but god damn bro…He-he’s going to be taken away…what am I gonna do bro…” Karkat rubbed his back and lightly kissed Gamzee’s head and tried to comfort.

 

“My brother’s waiting in the car, we should go. We’ll talk about it in my room” Gamzee nodded and pulled away and rubbed at his face. “You messed up your make up…”

 

“I haven’ re-applied it…” Gamzee looked down and Karkat’s rubbed Gamzee’s cheek. “Sorry bro…I’m feelin’ all shitty, and waking you up and all that bro…”

 

“It’s ok, Come on” Karkat grabbed Gamzee’s hand and led him back to Kankri car, and got in the back with him. They buckled up and Gamzee put his head on Karkat’s shoulder and held his hand.

 

“You two going to be ok back there?” Kankri looked at them through his rearview mirror and Karkat nodded. “Alright” Kankri turned on the car and turned up the music and they listened to Ludo all the way home.

 

* * *

 

When they got home Karkat took Gamzee to his room and Kanri went to his own, Karkat made Gamzee change into cleaner clothes, some that he’d left there from one of the times he’d spent the night.

 

“Are you going to be ok?” Karkat was lying on Gamzee’s chest and was curled up against his friend who sighed softly and played with Karkat’s messy auburn locks.

 

“I dunno Bro, maybe” He sighed and kissed the top of Karkat’s head. “I’ve never had to deal with this kind of shit…and I really just want to distract myself from it” Karkat rubbed his friend’s chest softly; he wished he could do something to help him but he had no clue how. “Kar..?”

 

“Yeah Gam?” Karkat looked up at Gamzee who leaned down a little and lightly pressed his lips to Karkat’s. “Gam…” Karkat frowned; he didn’t want this to move on any further because he knew it’d be total fucking mess up.

 

“I know…but please Karkat” Gamzee had this sad tone that broke Karkat’s heart and put him at a standstill. He didn’t think it would be right to take advantage of his best friend like this, but at the same time his best friend wanted to. “Please…”

 

“Gam…I…” He bit his lip and let out a soft sigh and gently returned the soft kiss. They softly kissed for a few moments, Karkat allowing Gamzee to trail his fingers under his shirt. They were cold against his skin, and he felt a knot form in his stomach that was filling with guilt.

  
Gamzee traced his lips down Karkat’s cheek, leaving small kisses. He got to his ear and breathed softly; causing small shivers to run down Karkat’s body, and nipped softly at the lobe of his ear before finally whispering.

 

“Can..I?” Karkat blushed and looked to Gamzee and then to the other side. He took a moment, but finally nodded. Gamzee on the other hand took not a second and had gotten up, and moved so he had better access to kiss him. He took his time removing Karkat’s clothes, but not too much. Just enough, so he didn’t seem too eager for it

 

Karkat let himself daze out so he didn’t think over what was going. He didn’t want to realize how horrible he was for allowing this to happen, or how awful a person he was. He would allow it to happen and hate himself for it later.

 

“I love you” Gamzee muttered and trailed kisses down Karkat’s Cheek and neck and down his chest. “God…Kar…” He whispered against his skin and led his lips down, he’d noticed his friend’s absence from what was going on but did not care at the moment.

 

Karkat let his mind wander a bit and let himself think of this as Kurloz touching him instead and kissing his body and stomach…instead. He could feel lips at his hips, kissing softly against his skin as his pants were undone and removed. His boxers discarded soon after. A gasp fell from his lips as he felt a hand take hold of his half hard cock.

 

“Such beautiful noises…” Gamzee muttered, and Karkat continued to think of this as his older lover, imagining the man’s larger and rougher hand moving and making him grow harder, causing moans to rip from him. “I just want to hear more” He licked a line up Karkat’s member, causing him to groan out a little louder.

 

“F-fuck…” Karkat mumbled and almost went to put his hands in Gamzee’s hair, but instead gripped the bed sheets underneath him.

 

Gamzee looked up at Karkat, eating up the sight of his friend’s flustered face and stammering. He wanted to continue to see this, but knew that what he was doing now might be the only time he can. He wanted to please his friend, and make him happy….he didn’t want to see the broken look that he’d witnessed before getting into the ambulance. He didn’t want to see the pity and hurt in his eyes after asking if he’d ever go out with him. He just wanted to see his friend smile again, and be happy…and maybe love him.

 

“Nnng…” Karkat bit his knuckle to stop letting out too loud of moans. Gamzee sucked softly on the side of Karkat’s shaft, licking up and the sucking a bit on the tip. “ahh…oh fuck-fucking shit!” Karkat gasped out.

 

Gamzee continued to suck and tease karkat’s sensitive skin until pulling back and looking around. Karkat sat up, knowing what his friend was looking for and opened his drawer. He pulled a bottle of lube, that he was given by Cronus who had said ‘This will come in handy lil bro’ and then went to his older brother’s room. It was awkward, but weirdly enough true which Karkat didn’t expect at the time since it was about a year ago and he was even having sex at the time.

 

“Damn bro, you’re prepared” Karkat nodded and tossed the bottle to Gamzee. He laid back down and covered his eyes, he really couldn’t believe he was going through with this.

 

“Gam…” Gamzee had opened the bottle and was about to pour the contents into his hand but had stopped.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can I get on my hands and knees…” Karkat mumbled and Gamzee nodded, moving back to let his friend get into position. Karkat had settled onto his knees and gripped the covers under his hands. He wanted to puke from the guilt that rolled in his gut, but he kept himself as calm as possible and steadied himself and let Gamzee work his fingers inside of him.

 

“You doing ok Kar?” Gamzee asked, not fully sure of the moment, and Karkat nodded. “Alright…” Gamzee concentrated on trying to make Karkat feel good, and was relieved to hear the soft moans from his friend. He worked in a third finger and curled them just slight and heard the gasp and shocked groan from Karkat, realizing a second after that he’d just pressed into the lovely bundle of nerves inside of him. “You sound so wonderful Kar…I love it..” He muttered and Karkat just nodded once more.

 

When Gamzee pulled out his fingers, Karkat’s stomach dropped. _‘This is it…He’s going to do it…Fuck…Fuck…Fu-‘_ Karkat was brought out of his thoughts when he felt the tip of Gamzee’s cock start to penetrate him. He softly mewled as Gamzee pushed in. Karkat tried to focus on how good it felt, and not on the actual situation. He allowed himself to moan and groan and just generally let out noises as his best friend continued to thrust in him. The moments just passing in a daze of soft pleasure, and hidden guilt.

 

He could feel Gamzee get closer to release when he started thrusting in just a bit harder, as if to push himself over more quickly and it wasn’t too soon that he could feel himself getting filled. He hadn’t realized that his body was shaking a little until Gamzee pulled and made him lay down.

 

“Kar, I’m going to finish you off alright?” Gamzee smiled as he wrapped his hand around Karkat’s cock and worked on getting him off. Karkat hadn’t last too long, imagining this was all Kurloz to help him.

 

They were breathing softly and laying down next to each other in the soft daze of after sex. Karkat looked at Gamzee who seemed to be sleeping, so he decided to get up. He pulled on his boxers and left the room, heading down to the bathroom that was downstairs. He ended up puking and crying from the guilt and just stayed in the bathroom for the next hour to let himself feel all of the regret he just made.

 

Gamzee on the other hand opened his eyes after Karkat left, and put his hand over his face. He shouldn’t have initiated that, he knew how Karkat felt and he fucked up. He could hear the awful sounds from downstairs and all he could think of was how Karkat constantly moaned out **_‘Kurloz…Kurloz please…’_**. Just the thought of it broke his heart, and he ignored it and didn’t mention it afterwards. He felt like shit, and wished to be back at the hospital in his dad’s place instead. Maybe then Karkat would be happier.

 

“God damn it…” He mumbled, feeling tears rolled down his cheeks. “Why can’t you just love me….”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are crying, then I did my job. If not...I need to try harder ;o)

**Author's Note:**

> :o) That wasn't too bad was it. I do apologize if it seemed like a short chapter ~o~. I never really know haha. anyways I hope you guys enjoyed it and hopefully the next chapter won't take too long to be posted <3 
> 
> Also I'd love reviews, I want to know what guys thought and felt about it :o)


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